


5 times Dan wanted to be the little spoon and one time it didn't matter

by ottertrashpalace



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Fluff, M/M, Mentions of Sex, Panic Attacks, Phan - Freeform, Spooning, brief homophobic language, none of this is horribly graphic I just want to be safe, phil's the good guy at the end dw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-18
Updated: 2015-11-18
Packaged: 2018-05-02 05:48:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,218
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5236616
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ottertrashpalace/pseuds/ottertrashpalace
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan likes to be the little spoon sometimes, but it wasn't always an option.</p>
            </blockquote>





	5 times Dan wanted to be the little spoon and one time it didn't matter

1\. When his mind took over late at night, Dan used to crawl into his parent's bed, and his mom would put her arm around him and tell him he was safe. He would tighten his grip on his teddy bear and try to carry her warmth back to bed with him, and sometimes he could sleep. When he was ten, the plaintive knocks on their door started to be rebuked with some iteration of "you're a big boy now, and Mommy and daddy need to sleep," so Dan didn't.

2\. Rachel was bright and buoyant. Their friends loved them together, and Dan thought she was awfully pretty. He would spend the night with her sometimes, and her passion carried straight into bed. He would hold her after they made love, and he told himself he didn't see how he could ever want to be anywhere else. She would hold him too, sometimes, if he asked. She knew about his bad days, and it was as if she cared. He would wake up in the morning with her head on his chest anyway, and she always said that her arm fell asleep, and Dan didn't.

3\. In senior year, there was a new boy in his class, with a head of red hair and light eyes and one of those scruffy beards. Dan found him unbearably attractive, even more so since he would aggressively hit on all of the homophobic bullies that Dan had to hide from at lunch. Joey was slim and strong, and definitely the best, wildest sex Dan had ever had. The only time they ever cuddled was at Kayla's party on New Year's Eve, after both had gotten wasted and a little stoned, probably, and all Dan knows is that he woke up in Joey's arms with a half-naked blond girl next to them. They smelled of vomit and piss, and Dan was grounded for a week. Joey asked the next month if he wanted to come over again, so he didn't.

4\. Will was a catch, said all Dan's friends. Tall, broad, reserved, smart. He practically lived in Dan's flat for that first year of uni, and he made excellent scrambled eggs. They would work on their law homework together, and if Will was in the mood, they'd fuck. The only time he ever said "I love you" was when he was balls-deep in Dan's ass, and Dan believed him.  
Will's parents were divorced, his father an alcoholic, his mother run off somewhere. Dan saw a broken man, shattered glass. He loved to hold Will, and he thought he could feel the tense muscles melting into his touch, repairing and rejoining.  
When they slept the other way around, Dan was constricted. Will's arms felt like lead, by the end of it, and Dan felt himself shrinking away and growing smaller and smaller and he was terrified. Suffice to say that all the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put him back together again, so Dan didn't.

  
5\. Yasmin was a poignant beauty. He met her in a club his friends had dragged him to, and she was all shining black hair and doleful chocolate eyes. He loved her perfume and the texture of her dark lipstick against his neck.  
He was the one who moved in this time, the one who lived and loved in awe and learned how to cook. He could still feel her acrylic nails leaving traces of pleasure down his spine. She freelanced as a writer and as a model, and he would tag along to the shoots and let other men thump him on the back in congratulations for having managed to acquire this seamless artwork of a woman.  
They were wild and frolicking, as though they spent the whole year and a half in a honeymoon. Dan couldn't bring himself to ruin it with his breakdowns, and he would stuff them down and cry when she was away at work. It worked for a long time, too long.  
One day, inevitably, she came home from a long day of work to Dan shaking on the couch, and Dan supposed that was enough. Her cries echoed in his mind for ages-- "What kind of man cries? Suck it up! I had a hard day too, all right? I can't believe I fell for such fucking fag!" She didn't hold him; she refused to so much as touch him. He slept on the couch. The next morning, she told him, stony-faced, that she couldn't let him stay. So he didn't.

\+ PJ brought an unknown guy to their weekly Mario Cart sessions. He told Dan that he also wanted to start a YouTube channel, and that his name was Phil. "He's cute," PJ added suggestively. Dan pretended not to be interested.  
He proceeded to beat both Phil and PJ at numerous rounds of Mario Cart, and noticed that Phil bit the controller when he lost. Phil had black hair and bright blue eyes, and the kind of happy trail that made Dan wish that his shirt would ride up just a tiny bit more when he leaned back on the couch. PJ was making eyes at Dan throughout, and pulled Dan aside after Phil left. "Do you want his number?" He asked. "I think I might." Dan muttered.  
Six months later, they live as roommates in London, and their YouTube channels have both broken a million subscribers. They have a radio show together. Phil is adorable and handsome and brilliant, in every sense of the word. Dan is coming to feel completely at ease around him, but he knows that this won't stop his panic attacks. It's only a matter of time, really.  
He is coming awfully close one Tuesday, and he acknowledges this to himself as he unlocks the door to their flat. The meeting had been shitty, and he's sure he's stepped on he toes of his new executive producer one way or another.  
His heart sinks when he sees Phil's head protruding from the back of the desk chair. He gives a brief hello in the chair's direction and scurries off to his bedroom, where he is able to curl into himself in blissful silence for about twenty minutes, when he hears a knock on his door. His heart jumps, and he is suddenly filled with utmost dread. He knows what will happen if Phil sees him like this, and that is the last thing he wants.  
"Are you all right, Dan?" Comes Phil's voice.  
"Fine..." He replies, and even he is aware of how unconvincing this sounds.  
"Did the meeting go okay?" Phil sits down on the edge of the bed  
Dan freezes up a little and shakes his head. "It was fine really I'm fine I'm just a little tired--"  
"Hey," Phil cuts him off, "you don't look fine to me. Do you wanna talk about it?"  
Dan shakes his head again, more fervently.  
"Oh, Dan." Phil gently brushed the hair out of Dan's eyes, and pulled him into a hug. Dan reveled in the touch. They fell asleep together, Phil's body moulded around Dan's, and he had never felt safer. It was in this moment that Dan finally realized that all along, Phil had been inviting him to stay, so he did.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for making it through my angstiest post yet! I wrote this at midnight so I hope its proofread and legible etc. My writer soul subsists off your kudos and comments, so please do leave them thanks :)


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